(Source: 13bluesky, via dudeitsuno)

that warm fuzzy feeling

today I kissed him in the rain,

and I loved every second of it.

Something I learned today in school

Today we had a guest speaker come to our school and talk about the art of hypnotism. No, he’s not the kind of guy that will make you stand in front of your classmates and walk like a chicken. He’s uses hypnotism as a healing agent, not some fatuous game played on that weak-minded person in the audience.

I’ve known this presenter for years, probably since I was seven or eight. He’s been a good family friend and overall, one of the most interesting people I have ever met. He’s a dentist, a photographer, a self-defense teacher, a person that helps heal addiction…the list goes on and on. Anyways one thing that really stuck with me from this presentation is when he said everything we ever do in our lives begins with a thought. A single thought that shapes how we will then live out our lives. Do what you will with these thoughts and you can either live a positive or negative life. It’s all about choice. We choose to believe in something someone tells us and we can act upon it. No one can make us believe anything unless it’s our choice to accept the thoughts they bring to us.

One point he made was about people struggling with sadness and depression. A doctor diagnoses someone with depression and from then on that person labels themselves as being depressed. “I’m just gonna sit in front of the television all day and flip back and forth between these channels because I like these shows and I’m depressed. So what else can I do with myself?” This person carries around the weight of their problems like a backpack because they were told they were depressed so they don’t question it. They accept the belief that their life can’t change. Well it can. Only we alone have the ability to change our lives. A doctor can prescribe you pills to help with your prolonged sadness but that’s the same as putting a little band-aid on a stab wound. It doesn’t even begin to patch up the damage we inflict on ourselves because of what a doctor has told us we’re suffering from. We can only truly heal if we are willing to to look past the labels we have once believed to be bounded to us forever.

Furthermore, those who also suffer from indefinite sadness can feel more happy being depressed than actually being truly happy. They talk about their problems with other people and all the while they are making no effort to change their lives. They feel too much comfort from people saying “Aw group hug everyone! She’s sad and we have to help her feel better!” You accept this gesture because you like the attention it brings you. You’re in the middle of this group hug and you like being there. You smile to yourself and think, “Man this is great. If I wasn’t depressed, I’d have to find another way to get this kind of attention.” Let’s face it, people love sympathy. And feeling love from other people because they know you’re hurting can get comfortable really fast. So people choose not to change because they like the compassionate attention their sadness brings them.

To put it simply, a thought can only influence your life if you believe you want it to. No one can put thoughts in your head without your consent.

Mull over that for awhile. I’m going to bed.

Dreams

In my Advanced Psychology class we’ve been studying the subconscious mind and even a bit of dream psychology. Sigmund Freud believed that all dreams were symbolic no matter how bizarre they were. There was the id, the ego and the super ego that would dictate how the dream would play out. These three parts of the subconscious mind are suppressed in our conscious state, especially the id which holds our impulsive and pleasure-seeking tendencies we tend to hide during waking hours. Our superego is said to be the moral part of our unconscious dreams, controlling the id at all times, making sure it never haves any sort of pleasure. The ego is the go-between, it’s the devil and angel that sits on our shoulder, arguing back and forth about what the right decision is. The ego slips its way into our conscious mind as well, keeping the id in check until it’s able to roam free in the mind’s dream state.

There’s also the latent and manifest parts of our dreams according to Freud. The manifest is the actual content of our dreams and the latent is supposedly the meaning behind this content. It’s our brain telling us things that we may not have realized until our head hits the pillow and we experience our REM sleep. 

This is probably the most interesting thing I’ve learned about thus far because I’ve always been curious about the science behind dreams. Are dreams really symbolic? I think so. 

The past few months…

So….

I’m really enjoying my senior year so far for the most part. Swimming ended a few weeks ago and I already miss it. That’s something I never thought I would say, but there I said it! I made my best times this season and I really felt like I was a part of leading the team to success. I even made it to States! I’m slightly envious of the boys swim team who just started their season last Monday. 

This year is probably the best out of the four. I’ve made a lot more friends and am more comfortable than ever in my skin. I think I owe that to being a captain on the swim team. It’s given me a huge boost of confidence being the big man in charge. Nat and I have been kick ass captains and I’m going to miss it so much next year…

…only a bit more than 100 days left of high school.

-Ariana

Too Late

I think one of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that you’re too late. Too late to say or do something you should have done ages ago. Too late to let him know how you really feel. Too late wondering if he ever felt the same way as you did. So he finds someone else and you’re stuck wondering…What if? What if, what if, what if? This has been in my head for the past few weeks and it doesn’t plan on leaving anytime soon. 

If I did say anything, why would it even matter? He found someone else and I’m stuck sitting here in a hole that I can’t climb out of. I try and try to dig my hands into the walls but I’m not successful. My hands clutch the cold dirt between my fingers and I try and pull myself up. Even when I feel like I can almost touch the surface, I fall back down again.

But I can barely hold in how I feel anymore. Everyday I grow more and more anxious and it continues to build and build up. Hopefully it doesn’t come crashing down on me when I least expect it. 

Strange

My life is so strange. I spend too much time thinking about too many things which I don’t need to be thinking about. School started last week and the weather is already starting to change. Sweater weather is the best weather. I can’t believe this is my last year of high school. It went by too quick and I know, as much as I want to get out of here, I’ll miss it dearly. Swim team is keeping me busy as usual and, since I’m one of the captains, I’m always on my toes. Coming back to school and seeing the same old people and how we left things at the end of June-it’s like things have never changed. My sister’s in school with me now and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing her walking around the halls. Her being in high school means I must be getting old. I’ve made new friends and let a few go. I wonder who I’ll still be friends with after I graduate. Or who I even want to keep in contact with.  

What am I even talking about.

It’s funny how people can come and go in your life. A half a year ago it’s like the person never existed in your life. Sure, you saw them in the halls and knew who they were but you didn’t actually know them. They maybe were in some of your classes but you didn’t pay much attention to them. A casual conversation was had and both of you expected nothing more from each other. You were just acquaintances. Then one day it’s like they were thrown back into your life. You try and recall any memories you’ve had with that person but it’s blank. It’s as if the person vaguely existed before. It’s like trying to remember a strange dream you’ve had months ago, about as foggy as a day after rain. Now that they’re in your life front and center you have a strange feeling of nostalgia. This person was always in your life but never at the front of the line, always lingering in the back. A weird feeling comes over you as you remember who they were and you smile to yourself. It was that goofy kid that liked to share witty comments with you and everyone. Now and again you start to remember even more about this person and you almost feel a sense of regret that you neglected to befriend this person earlier. And now today it’s feels as though this person is slipping away again. You’d do anything to prevent that. But it’s hard. 

Tired

I’ve been feeling so tired lately and I don’t know why. Each day I just feel more and more exhausted and my mom notices. She thinks I’m getting sick but I don’t even know what it is. I feel less motivated to hang out with my friends or even do anything productive. I feel like I haven’t even hung out with my usual group of friends in such a long time and it makes me feel sad. Things are different now. School is slowly approaching and in only two weeks I’ll be back in that place. I suppose I’m excited for my last year in grade school. I just can’t wait for college. I need to get away from here.

There are certain things I know I can never post on here because of people that I know who read my blog. They are going to ask me what I mean by saying this but I am way too good at wanting to keep things to myself. I hate seeing other people feel sorry for me after I share some of my thoughts with them. I’m not like the other girls on my Twitter news feed who post about every single problem in their life in order to receive sympathy from others. I hate that. So I keep it to myself.

I’m good at being vague with others when they know something is wrong. I’m not good at saying what I feel or expressing myself. Or if I do want to express myself I feel like people won’t care enough to listen or I’d just pussy out and continue to keep it to myself. Or maybe what I’m feeling isn’t even “that bad” because I know that some people have it worse so I suppress it for even longer. I’d only feel comfortable spilling my thoughts to one or maybe two of my friends now. But right now I feel more alone than I have in a few months. I feel like each day it’s not getting any better. I hate feeling low like this and I don’t know when it’s going to go away. 

“Today I needed a break, my friends are climbing mountains and I’m drowning in lakes.”

Where I was about two weeks ago. Warped Tour. One of the best days of my life.

Some of the weird things I think about at this hour.

I try to imagine what would happen if I suddenly had the power of mind reading. Being able to pass by any normal person on the sidewalk and just know what they were thinking about. Was it something deep and meaningful or just a recollection of what they had for breakfast that morning? I would be able to walk by that stranger knowing more about them than anyone else around me. Having the ability to read someone’s thoughts would allow you to know exactly what type of person they really were. Only so much can be given away by outward appearances and behaviors- what truly matter is what is on the inside…and no I’m not relating this to ‘your real beauty lies within’. Is someone truly who they seem in person or is it all just a clever and deceitful trick? Of course there is always a downside to this. What if that person walks past you thinking “Did she dress herself in the dark this morning?” or some cruel remark like that. With your new found ability of mind reading comes the ability to also listen to awful thoughts people have of each other. That one group of girls you walked by every day before first period and always thought they were gossiping about you could now easily be figured out. Would I want to have this supernatural ability? Yes and no. A yes to being able to be my nosy self and know what people think sometimes and a no when it comes to people talking harshly of you like that person on the sidewalk. I doubt anyone would enjoy hearing people talk badly about themselves. Too much information and too many two faced people could drive anyone to the brink of insanity. They would finally know the ugly truth. That one friend that you’ve been friends with for years hasn’t been as honest as she wanted to when she said it was okay to go after the same boy she liked or that it was okay to buy that sweater that she really wanted but was way too expensive for her. Her mind is now on edge and full of indignation while her face tells a different tale. Sometimes it’s better for the whole “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” Maybe it is better to keep things bottled inside just because you want to be nice. Instead of giving you a look of pure detestation while passing you on the sidewalk, the stranger gives you a small nod and smile and continues on his day. I guess that’s what most people do because it’s only polite. 

Cowardice vs. Conformity

The opposite of bravery is not cowardice; it’s conformity.”

-Robert Anthony

A person that is able to step out of their comfort zone and think for themselves shows that they are able to overcome the one mindset of many. For others, it does take a lot for them to go against what everyone else is doing and start their own, personal endeavor but in the end it’s worth it. Those that do conform aren’t looking to start a new path because they would rather travel on one that has been walked by many. They like continuing to do what is normal or expected because it’s what everyone else does. Any unfamiliar territory for them isn’t something they would like to delve into and would much rather like things to stay the way that they are. Those that are brave enough to step out of a general mindset and think differently are confident that they have the power to change their future into anything they want. Conforming isn’t cowardly- it’s comforting.

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I think one of my favorite things about summer are bonfires. On cool summer nights they bring everyone together. 

Night

My mind seems to be the most active when everyone else in my house is asleep and I’m laying awake in my bed, listening to owls hooting outside. I find myself doing this every summer and I can’t seem to help it. I’m not even sure what I do at hours like these but my body can’t fall asleep. When I try, I find myself tossing and turning for so long that I eventually give up. My mind is constantly on edge at this time, thinking about everything and everyone in my life. I stay up until the few hours of the morning before the sun begins to rise and am always asked by my questioning mother why I sleep so late all the time. 

I remember I was always the last one awake at sleepovers when everyone else decided to “hit the hay”. This did have some upsides when pranks were played on the helpless ones who couldn’t help but doze off past midnight, only to be woken up by the uncomfortable feeling of whipped cream on their face. I was always the mastermind behind these tricks.

For me, the night is peaceful. If I had the guts to sneak out of my house and drive around in my Station Wagon for hours I would. No specific destination, just wandering around my town with the windows down and the stars in the sky. I would listen to Jimmy Eat World’s song ”23” over and over again until my body had enough and I would sink into my  warm bed and fall fast asleep. Maybe I’ll try it sometime. 

-A

Friends

NP: Owl City

A single person could feel so comfortable surrounded by a sea of people and be content living just like that. Other people, such as myself, would rather be friends would less- they choose quality over quantity. I have one group of friends that has really stuck with me for the majority of my life- we may not have always agreed at times but we know how important we all are to each other. When a person is surrounded by so many different people, how many in that group could say that they genuinely value that person as their true friend? Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. But, I’d rather make connections with certain people and keep them close rather than have a bunch of people surrounding me that may not be putting as much into a friendship as I thought they were. I like having a bunch of close friends rather than a group of people that may not be there for me if I ever needed them. Why waste time on people that don’t feel the same way you do about them?

I can say that I have a fairly good judge of character and when it comes to making friends, I am cautious because it takes awhile for me to trust someone. If someone that I have known for a while and confided in decides to speak behind my back and talk harshly about me, most teen girls would start a fight and the oh-so-terrible drama. I’m not a confrontational person in the slightest and I don’t do well with drama because it’s something I try and steer clear of. When it does come my way, I try and deal with it in the best way I can because it’s even something I hate hearing about, even if it’s in another person’s life. I guess backstabbing and name calling is just part of high school but there are more important things besides wasting time calling someone out just to build up your self esteem and reputation. If anyone does cross me, I don’t call them out on it like I know most of my friends would tell me to do. I try and act like nothing happened and distance myself from them, knowing they no longer have my trust or close friendship. A person would have to have done something really terrible to me in order to make me want to blow up at them.

-Ariana